i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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