Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
