i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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