You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
