i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
