I think im going to throw up on grandma
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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