What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
