I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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