If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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