I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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