Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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