Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
