Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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