I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
