Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
