oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
