dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
