i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
