Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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