Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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