The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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