Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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