I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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