When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
