my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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