nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
