: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
