If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
