well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You need Xanax blowdarts
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
