Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My ass is underappreciated
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