the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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