so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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