your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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