I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
