He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
