somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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