you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
