you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
