I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
