I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
