Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
