meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
