ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
