More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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