That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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