she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
