May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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