It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
