Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
