Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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