Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
