wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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